Being a parent to multiple children you often feel like you are being pulled in multiple directions, having multiple conversations and doing more than one thing at a time. I think overall having an eight, six and two four year olds has been the toughest stage so far. I have noticed that Jack and Eva are getting to an age where their needs are different; it is not just keeping them fed and happy and dressed but also addressing their emotional needs and starting to walk them through friendships, school situations and even balancing homework. When they are in the baby and toddler stage I felt like it was easier to know what they wanted, it usually involved a diaper change, a snack or playing with them. Haha as I am re-reading this I am thinking to myself that even now that is what they often need at six and eight!
But right now the twins are each showing their own individuality and expressing themselves in different ways but when doing that with two kids at the same age, I constantly feel like I am being pulled in one more than one direction. Before I dive further into what is making this stage hard, I am going to share some other stages that have felt hard and what I did to get through them. Hopefully if you are a fellow twin mom you can find some encouragement or laughter from this post!
I still remember when the twins were teething and thinking “Oh my gosh, why did I not expect this???” One teething baby is difficult, it should not be surprising that two would be hard! I am grateful that they did not teeth at the same time because two fussy babies is definitely harder than one however since they did not teeth at the same time, it was extra drawn out. I remember Elizabeth would kind of just feel angry for a few days, like she was upset and would scream for no apparent reason and then teeth would pop through. So with her it just felt fast in some ways. We would have a few tough days where I wasn’t sure what was wrong with her and then see the teeth and be like “Oh okay, that explains the last few days” Elisha, however, took longer. Her teeth would ache for a long time, I think about a week or so before popping through and it was like the world was falling apart. She was very upset about everything and would easily cry over anything. With her it felt more drawn out and just felt very tiring because I did not know when the end was in sight.
I relied on a lot of coffee in those days and would often take drives up to Starbucks just to get out of the house. I would also go on walks with the twins, even if it was just up and down the block. We had our full blown double stroller that their car seats would snap into but we also had an umbrella double stroller that I would highly recommend. It was SO helpful to have a stroller I could quickly get the twins in and then head out for a walk. The last thing I remember using non stop during those teething days was our ring sling, being able to baby wear when they were upset was a lifesaver because it would always sooth them.
Another stage that felt hard was probably when they turned two, but not for the reasons you would think. They did not have the “terrible twos”; I honestly do not believe in them because age two is a cake walk compared to age three. And with the twins both ages two and three have felt like cake walks compared to age four. But Elizabeth walked much earlier than Elisha, Elizabeth was our earliest walker at thirteen months and Elisha was our latest walker at about 20 months. So for a very long time we had one walker and one crawler which helped me not feel as if I had two children constantly going in different directions. Elisha has always been content kind of sticking close to me or her dad while Elizabeth wants to explore. So it wasn’t until about two when Elisha was a more confident walker that we had two kiddos the same age walking and it started to become more difficult when we were out at places. I would sometimes push them in our Baby Jogger double stroller and I remember no matter what combo I had them in, they’d be upset. If I had them facing each other, they would be kicking each other. If they were both facing me, the bottom one was upset they couldn’t see me and when they were both facing out, they’d be upset about who was on top and bottom. But also once they were both walking they would want to get out of the stroller and walk, which definitely would not have worked.
On a side note/tangent it’s still difficult going out with them in regards to them wanting to get out or stay in a cart. Often they both want to sit in the front of the cart which we all know doesn’t work (unless you are at a store that has double front carts). What I have found that works is inviting them into the process. When we are at Joann’s or shopping for fabrics I will tell them what colors or prints to look for ask them to let me know when they see it. If we are at the grocery store, I will give them a small list and have them help me look for items. It’s still chaotic and often I am having multiple conversations at once, but it does help to involve them more. They love helping and feeling like they are contributing to what we are doing.
Now I will share about our current stage that has been very challenging. I will say upfront that I have always had a difficult time sticking to a routine for an extended period of time. And I do understand that would be helpful for all of us, so once Christmas is over I will be working on a new routine for the girls and I each day. I have always felt like this time of year is hard because the older kids are in school then have long breaks so it throws things off. But it’s also an opportunity to be graceful and focus on what we can do each day.
Since they have turned four I have noticed their individual personalities coming out more. Elizabeth is much more overt with her behaviors, if I ask her to do something and she does not want to do it, she communicates it very clearly. If she doesn’t want to stop playing to clean up, she will just keep playing, if she does not want to hold my hand in the street, she just says “no I don’t need your hand” and walks away. Elisha is more covert about things, she may grab my hand for a moment in the street but then slip out and slowly walk away. She will start cleaning up but then get very upset about it being too hard or taking “hours” lol Elisha is also more emotional in the sense that her feelings get hurt and she may start crying out of sadness, Elizabeth gets more angry and starts crying out of anger or frustration. Elisha will try to sneak something she is not supposed to have or hide it from me. Their personalities have always been different but meeting them where they are at, in such different ways, at the same time has been a challenge.
Cleaning up is a great way to share the struggle of dealing with the different emotions because Elisha will start to clean up but then start crying because she is the only one doing the work and she recognizes that it’s not fair. Elizabeth isn’t ready to stop playing and is just in her own world still playing. In that moment I try to attune with Elisha and express that I understand her frustration but also address Elizabeth and that she is not listening. It’s quite a lot going on at once and a lot of emotions all happening at once as well. It can be quite an ordeal just to get some toys cleaned up. What I have started doing to help with that is giving each of them certain toys to clean up. So rather than all of us working on everything, maybe I’ll ask Elisha to clean up the books and Elizabeth focus the magnets. That helps when Elizabeth is not listening at the moment or vice versa.
It also helps to notice what things each kiddo enjoys to do around the house and build from there. We certainly have gotten creative with some of the ways we have our kids help clean up, which I will share in a post next week.
Nursing got hard when they were old enough to notice what one another were doing. When they were very young I was able to nurse them at the same time but once they got too squirmy that was hard. Once that happened, I would have one girl lay in the nursing pillow next to me while I nursed one then switch them. After that stopped working we introduced more bottles, often then I would be pumping more because one twin would nurse while the other had a bottle. The side that I did not nurse on I would pump from. At church when they were newborns I would take one in the nursing room first and then my husband would come switch me with the other twin. These things took some coordinating but didn’t necessarily feel hard in the ways other things have.
The main thing we have learned with the twins is how important team work is. My husband would ask me what is most helpful and we would come up with a plan together when it came to packing diaper bags, changing, and the sort. Even now while we are going through this tough stage I am often messaging him asking for prayers or just letting him know what is going on throughout the day.
If you are a twin mom, I would recommend that you look online for support but also lean on other moms in your life. And lean on your husband, tell him what you are struggling with and what is going well so that you guys can work together. Finding support while in the hard days is so important. I lean a lot on prayer and ask the Holy Spirit to guide me rather than my emotions. I talk about my girls being emotional but I am fully aware that they get them from me! I strive to model prayer and asking God to guide me rather than my feelings. We all love the book “What Am I Feeling?” And it reminds us that “a feeling is just a feeling, it doesn’t have to control us”
Share in the comments below which stages have been most challenging for you! I would love to hear them so we can encourage one another.
Blessings, Ellen
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