As a mom to four littles I often get asked which transition was the hardest as our family grew. For us, it certainly has been going from two kids to four. Many people say the transition from two to three is the hardest and I can definitely see why. I think it is because at that point the dynamic has shifted and kids outnumber parents. Being a twin parent is such a blessing and from the moment we found out that we were having twins I was very excited. As a twin mom you get a lot of questions when someone sees that you are a mom to multiples. The most common are “Do twins run in your family” “Are they natural?” “Are they identical?” And “What did you do when you found out you were having twins??” For us, no twins do not run in our family, we were not doing any sort of fertility treatments (so yes they are natural haha), we need to get a DNA test to find out if they are identical (there were two placentas so there is a chance they could be identical but the egg would have to split very early on), and from the moment we found out I knew that it was God’s plan for our family. In 2018 we experienced two miscarriages within a six month period. We had our first loss at nine weeks in January of 2018 and our second loss at fourteen weeks in July. The first baby we were pregnant with had a due date of August 21 which was shortly before our son would turn three. I remember thinking “how am I going to be a mom to three kids ages three and under?” Just the thought of it felt so overwhelming and then when we miscarried I felt such guilt over those feelings. We got pregnant again shortly after and I was so excited to have our rainbow baby. I had anxiety since we’d just experienced loss but didn’t let myself think too much about losing another baby in such a short time. When I entered the second trimester I felt such relief, and we had already seen the baby’s heartbeat in an ultrasound. When I went in for my fourteen week appointment and the doctor couldn’t find the heartbeat I assumed the baby was just hiding, I did not let myself get scared until we had the ultra sound and the tech was very quiet. They explained that we would need to wait to hear from our doctor but they’d send the report to their office immediately. Waiting that night to hear from the doctor was awful and the following morning we got the devastating news that we’d lost another baby. The following months were very hard for me, I believed so many lies from the enemy about the kind of mom that I was. In a nutshell though I was believing that I was not doing a good enough job with the children I had that God was not giving me more. I believed that being overwhelmed with my grief while raising a two and a half year old and one year old meant that I was doing a bad job. But God used my Bible study group and church family to help me out of that season. Through a Bible study and sermons series on the Holy Spirit, I was able to understand the lies I was believing and seek the Holy Spirit as my help when I felt overwhelmed. I learned that Jesus left us the Holy Spirit as our guide and that the same Holy Spirit that helped Him, is available to us as well. What a life changing thing to learn! I explain all of this because in January of 2019 we found out we were pregnant again and I was very nervous. Because of our losses we had an early ultrasound at seven weeks. The tech asked us some of those typical twin questions; “Do twins run in your family” “Are you on fertility drugs” “Are you over the age of 35” I said no to all of them and she goes “Well you are having twins!!” It was a feeling of overwhelming joy knowing that each of those twins would be a rainbow baby for the losses we had been through. And here is when I knew that it was exactly what God had planned; even though our due date would be in mid September for a typical forty week pregnancy, my doctor gave us a due date of late August. The previous year I was nervous about having three babies ages three and under in late August and then God was blessing me with four beautiful children ages four and under the following August. It was like he was telling me “You are who I made you to be and you are doing what I am calling you to do. Last year you believed lies about the kind of mom you are and I am going to give you even more because that shows that I know you are capable of it” He reassured me that I was his daughter and He saw me and loved me. I lean on that belief often because it is not easy having four kiddos so close in age. But I also believe that I have a deeper confidence in my calling as a mom due to that season. God has taken that messy and sad season of life and used it to be a part of my testimony. If you are in a season of loss or loss is a part of your story, know that I am praying for you and do believe that God has a beautiful plan for your family.
